Before school mom took Mark, Jayanah (who was also doing it) and I to school. We were not allowed to drive to school because they didn't want our cars sitting at the school overnight. As we climbed out of the van, I was a little nervous. What was I supposed to do when they came for me? What if I can't make it through the day being that serious? Well I survived - sorta. haha
I climbed out with a duffel bag, a sleeping bag, a backpack, my purse, and my cup of tea. A challenge yes. Ok, yeah I feel like I over packed but I promise I'll use everything! haha
I wasn't supposed to die till third hour, but ended up dying second hour because Mrs. McGuinness didn't want class time taken a way from her. So second hour I was in ASB. Kristin died at the beginning, and then unexpectedly they came for me. Everyone in class was circled around the room so it was eerie as the grim reaper circled the room looking each student in the eye, and then stopping at me. He stared at me, making eye contact, his black robe shadowing his white face - pointed to the gurney. I walked over to it and laid down. I was covered up with a white sheet and buckled in. The gurney was pushed by several of my classmates who were doing the EMT stuff over at Tri-Tech. That was strange I must say.
The ride on the gurney seemed like forever as they took me to the career center to get my face painted and my black robe on. I kept imagining what it would be like if that were to really happen.
I arrived at the career center and put on my black robe. The police officers painted my face and I listened to funny stories that the officers were telling to each other. When I was all ready to go, I made sure to get my 'smiles' out before I left the room. =) That was the hard part.
"look into my lonely eyes and you will see the dreams I had, the friends I loved, the family I held so dearly to me. I'm was just like you. Only you drank and I didn't. This is where it left me."
I went to third hour. I followed Kaile to 4th hour. Weird to not talk to her like I normally would. I followed her in silence, feeling her tenseness. We would normally make lunch plans. Normally laugh about something stupid. Normally complain about McGuinneses class. But I followed her in silence. Is that what it would be like if one of us were to pass? That lonely feeling. A good friend gone? Wow, can't imagine.
Lunch time came. Attempted to eat a salad. didn't work so hot with the paint. But I sat with other dead students. Jessi, Jarret, Jayanah, Kari, and Andrea. Is that what it would be like? Watching others pass. As if I was frozen in time, watching from heaven as life went on below me?
After school we all took a group pictures in front of Samme's car - a girl who had been killed by a drunk driver about 4 years ago - of Van Gesan and 240. Her mom puts a rose in her car every time it is used for an "every 15 minutes" program. A pair of her jeans still lie in the car. A cassette. Her steering wheal sitting in the passenger seat- it had been thrown outside the car. The whole drivers side was smashed in to the middle of the car. She didn't walk away from that crash. She didn't walk away from that hospital. But her family still walks the earth, remembering her with each breath they took.
It wasn't hard today. People made fun of us. They tried to make us laugh, cuss at us, call us names. Is that what its like to be picked on all the time. Boy will I make a better attempt to stand up for others around campus, not just in class.
After school we went and practiced for the skit that we will perform tomorrow.
We went to the hotel where, in the banquet room we had pizza, played team building games, and had several speakers that touched my heart. We had such a diverse group of people there and we bonded so well. I love these people, they are amazing. I'm proud to say that I knew them all before the program. That let's me know that my efforts to reach out haven't been for nothing. It was good to connect with these faces again. An officer came in and told us how Jessi's parents reacted when they were given the death notification.
I wrote a letter tonight - we were asked to. I wrote it to Dad. The person who I haven't connected with for a long time. I don't want that any more.
I would write one to mom if I had time tonight, but I didn't. So I will write on later. But know that I will try and rebuild that relationship.